Ostentatious Sophism

I am not sure if I have posted this before, but even if I did, it deserves another go.  I found this on the interwebz one day and (grammatical errors not withstanding) it completely describes my view on romance.  I am not as accusatory towards woman as the original author is, but I sense the same problems that he does, and wish for the same change.  Let me know what you think!

“She cries because no guy “gets” her. She calls you for hours to tell you her problems and how she wishes she could find a nice guy like you to  fall in love with. She comes over to your apartment with ice cream and some rented DVD to watch movies and “cuddle” on the couch with you.

You are everything she’s always complaining about wanting in a boyfriend. You listen to her and can actually quote back whole sentences of what she’s said. You know her favorite color, book, food, movie, and childhood memory. You could, without hesitation, plan out the most romantic, seductive date to take her on simply because you know exactly what turns her on and what she wants in “the perfect night”. You are allowed to stroke her hair, pat her back, even occasionally hold her hand and “accidentally” brush her boobs more than once as you’re reaching for the remote. And once, in a moment of weakness, she made out with you and then afterward forced you to agree it was a mistake and should never happen again. Are you the man of her dreams? No, you are her friend.

Honestly, I get so sick and tired of hearing women complain about how they can’t find that perfect man–when most of the time they’re talking to him! Beautiful women seem to be the most insecure as well. The more beautiful she is, the worse off it gets. She’ll say she wants someone to love her for “her”, not just that pretty package. She says this to a guy who has listened to her entire life story and dating horror history for hours on end. She says this to a guy who has never failed to answer the phone when she called, even if he was with another girl. She says this to a guy who can tell her about every dimple she has, every twinkle she gets in her eyes when she talks about puppies, and even knows her bra size while never having seen the goods simply because she talks about how hard it is to find them on sale at Victoria’s Secret. She says this to a guy who is danger of losing his job for replying to the steady stream of text messages she sends throughout the day. This is the curse of every man: to find yourself the close friend to a woman who is perfect for you, and whom you are perfect for as well…but she is too stupid to admit it and give you a chance.

She says she doesn’t care about looks so much as finding her soulmate, but you know as well as I do that is a lie. Looks matter more to her than they do to anyone else, but you can’t say anything about it without revealing how you really feel. And let’s be honest: she knows how you feel. She may be stupid enough to constantly chase after “bad boys” when she knows they’re going to break her heart, but she’s not so stupid that she can’t read the wistful look in your eyes as you listen to her drone on again about your dreams and wishes for the future. We are the one man who would actually appreciate you. You wouldn’t have to call us to “see where this relationship is going”…you would never doubt how we feel.

When we kiss you, we are the one who doesn’t automatically add to you a tally of running chicks we’ve bagged, but who appreciates this for the amazing moment it is. And if some glorious day we are finally allowed to share your bed we are the one who will put everything we are into making that night incredible for you, and not just another notch in our bedpost for us. We may not look like Brad Pitt, but I swear we can make you feel like you’ve just experienced the living embodiment of love-making rather than the “Ok, I’m done, see you in the morning” sex you get from you “Mister Right Now”. You want what you see in the movies…that is us, given the chance.

So here comes my gripe: Ladies, I am officially removing the privilege you have of talking to a lovestruck “friend” complaining about how you’ll never find someone to care about you. Complain to your girlfriends, your mom, or your sister, but don’t come to us about it. If we are important enough to you that you will invest 40% or more of your life to, then we are important enough to deserve a shot at your love. Hey, maybe we try and it won’t happen–and if not, we can live with that–but at least give us the opportunity to screw things up and not have to play “What If?” for the rest of our lives.

Imagine this, ladies: one day you look across the kitchen table at the man you’ve woken up next to for the past ten years and suddenly realize he’s still your best friend in the world! He still listens to your boring childhood stories with rapt attention and knows the exact trinket to pick up at the mall for you on his way home to cheer you up when you’re depressed. And it all changed when you decided there was a certain sexiness in friendship after all. And you’ll be glad you gave him the chance. Oh, and when that happens, you can thank me for saying to your face what your “friend” has been telling his buddies over his beer for the past hundred months. Best friends can make the best lovers and spouses.

And that’s the truth”

Lastly, here is one of my favorite quotes that comes to mind after reading this individuals thoughts:

“Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.”
- Ann Landers

I am leading a team for the Asthma walk this year and I need a team name.  Which do you guys think is better?

The Albuterators
The Inhalerators
The Asthma Ninjas
The Speedy Wheezers
The Brisk Bronchi
Fast Acting Asthma Attackers
The Asthma Avengers
The Breath Bandits

Yet again, a girl of my romantic interests is not available.  It seems to be inevitable.  I seem to have a sixth sense for women that happen to be in relationships.  In fact, I do not believe that one woman that I have asked out in the past year and a half was single.  While this little fact does astound me, I think I know why my love life has been failing so completely.

The odds of that many women randomly being in a relationship are slim to none.  The fact that I only find taken women in my life must be a sign.  It is a sign that I am not following my personal legend.  Those of us that have read ‘The Alchemist’ know that when a person is following their personal legend, the universe will conspire to assist them with their journey.  If one does not follow their personal legend, however, their path will seem difficult and tiresome as they will not have the assistance of the universe.

For the non-hippies that read this blog, here is the ‘rational’ explanation.  People are more receptive to individuals that are grounded and well-adjusted.  If you seem like you know what you want and how to get it, then people will generally be more open to helping you achieve it.  If you seem lost or unsure, others will be less likely to support you or your cause.  Obviously, without support, your life will seem more strenuous.

My current problem is that I have no idea what I want nor how to get it; essentially I do not know what my personal legend is.  In ‘The Alchemist,’ Santiago had the luxury of having his personal legend delivered to him in a dream.  Some of us, unfortunately, are not afforded this clarity and must search deeply within ourselves to discover what it is we truly want.  The issue at hand is that my search constantly turns up empty.  I know that I want to be in love.  I know that I want a companion to walk through life with.  However, I have no clue how to achieve these things.  Moreover, while most people desire or have passion for a specific career, I don’t.  I truly do not care what I do for the rest of my life as long as I have a loving woman to come home to after doing it.  I could happily be a garbage man if I were in love.  I have been created in such a way that the entirety of my satisfaction is dependent on a romantic relationship with another person.  I wish there was something else that dominated my hopes and dreams, but as of current, I have not found it.

All I know is that I hope my personal legend reveals itself soon as I am EXTREMELY tired of the constant rejection and struggle.

This word has developed an entirely new meaning for me recently.  When I was younger I wanted sex.  I just wanted to hump like a damn rabbit.  Then, as I got older, I yearned for the ever elusive, yet oh-so generic, ‘love.’  I wanted a happy ending just like I had seen in the movies.  However, as someone grows emotionally, they learn that neither of these things are truly what they want.

I have grown to truly want a companion.

I want someone that will share a bed with me each night.  I want the security of knowing that this person will always be there for me through all stages of life.  I want someone that I do not simply wave goodbye to at the end of the night, but that I hold until we both fall asleep.

I thought that my friends might be able to fill this empty void in my life, but it is never the case.  Even after an extremely fun and enjoyable day, I am still forced with the reality that I have to separate myself from them so they can continue to live their independent lives.  This is especially difficult seeing as the majority of my friends are couples.  At times it feels like I am trying to mask my loneliness by surrounding myself with people that are just the opposite.

Part of me attributes this to my ‘mimicking ability.’  My entire life, I have had this uncanny ability to mimic my environment.  If I am surrounded by intelligent, driven individuals, I will act and present myself as a like person.  If I am socializing with worry-free stoners, I will become just short of a Jamaican to fit in.  I will alter my speech, dress, mannerisms, and general mood to achieve an accurate and accepted image.

I guess my logic is as follows: If I surround myself with people that are not lonely, then I will not be lonely as I will adopt their attitudes.  Unfortunately this plan has failed.  All that I have achieved by surrounding myself with happy, well-adjusted couples is the blazingly obvious realization that I am completely alone.

Why is it so hard to find a quality, attractive (by my standards), companion?

Have you ever felt that you were meant to do something but couldn’t quite put your finger on it?  Like there was a special purpose for your life yet it was unknown to you?  Welcome to my entire life.

Well, recently I have found my calling.  I dearly want to work in Law Enforcement.  I want to hold a position of prestige and respect.  I do not want to do a job that has a hyper-inflated income.  Lastly I would want a job that actually helps people.  This sounds like law enforcement.

I know that, to a lot of my friends, this sounds like lunacy, but some will understand.  I know that I have always fought authority, but that is simply because I envied them.  I have resented the ease at which they have garnished adoration.  It wasn’t until this evening, however, that I was willing to admit that I want to be a member of the uniformed ranks and defend the populous against itself.

The problem is that I have asthma.  I will never be allowed to work in any uniformed position because of a disease that I have been cursed with since birth.  Thus, I must sit by and admire as my friends and neighbors succeed in a career that I could only hope to be accepted into.  This is the path that has been chosen for me.

I will continue to attempt a complete and fulfilling life, but I know that satisfaction will be constantly and slightly out of my grasp.  This post was more of a reason to acknowledge the reality than a way to change it.  Thank you for listening and I hope y’all had a great fourth…

If it’s crossed-out, then I have done it, lol.

1. Had a threesome.
2. Been drunk. 
3. Touched a real gun.
4. Done drugs.
5. Wrote on a bathroom stall.
6. Took “naughty” pictures of myself.
7. Had sex.
8. Got into a fist fight.
9. Used Twitter.
10. Listened to Lady Gaga. (Unfortunately)
11. Been in a car accident.
12. Gotten suspended.
13. Gotten expelled.
14. Got a computer virus.
15. Had a hand-written diary.
16. Been allergic to something.
17. Had a dog.
18. Had a cat.
19. Been pregnant.
20. Had a pregnancy scare.
21. Had unprotected sex.
22. Camped out.
23. Swam in the ocean.
24. Wore a bikini. (Long story…)
25. Met someone and recognized them from Myspace or Facebook.
26. Made a survey.
27. Used ICQ.
28. Failed a class for the year.
29. Repeated a grade.
30. Went to summer school.
31. Was on the honor roll.
32. Got the regular honor roll (A’s and B’s).
33. Learned to speak another language fluently.
34. Read an entire book.
35. Recorded my own music.
36. Had an XBOX.
37. Listened to Rammstein.
38. Wore fishnets.
39. Bought skinny jeans.
40. Been in love.
41. Hated someone.
42. Been cheated on.
43. Cheated on someone.
44. Had a bf/gf.
45. Been kissed by someone of the same sex.
46. Practiced Christianity.
47. Worn makeup.
48. Had a cavity.
49. Had surgery.
50. Had my license.
51. Been to college.
52. Graduated high school.
53. Took anti-depressants.
54. Worn colored contacts.
55. Painted my nails black.
56. Broken someone’s heart.
57. Had my heart broken.
58. Cried for an hour straight.
59. Lost something very valuable.
60. Had sex in a car.
61. Got separated from my parents as a kid.
62. Broken a bone.
63. Gotten stung by a bee.
64. Eaten something bad/expired.
65. Threw up from being so drunk.
66. Had to put a pet to sleep.
67. Participated in a swinger’s party.
68. Owned an iPod.
69. Owned an iPhone.
70. Fell for a best friend.
71. Stole a friend’s significant other.
72. Slapped someone in the face.
73. Went away from home for more than a week.
74. Moved out.
75. Ran away.
76. Teased my brother/sister.
77. Ate too much to move.
78. Been to the hospital to visit someone.
79. Had food poisoning.
80. Had a job.
81. Been fired.
82. Lied to a friend.
83. Lied to a family member.
84. Lied to a significant other.
85. Posted a video on YouTube.
86. Started a rumor about someone.
87. Didn’t try on a test but still passed.
88. Dropped out of school. 
89. Got my junk pierced. 
90. Been skinny dipping.
91. Counted to a million.
92. Counted to a thousand.
93. Ate deer meat.
94. Ate duck meat.
95. Had fast food.
96. Been to church.
97. Been to a synagogue.
98. Been married. 
99. Had a divorce. 
100. Broken a window.

What on this list have you done?