Ostentatious Sophism

I watch films because they give me insight into myself and the people that I deal with.  One of the films that I believe does this well is (500) Days of Summer.  When I saw it for the first time, I felt emotionally connected to the main character Tom.  I related to him because I had gone through heartbreak similar to his previously in my life.  However, because of recent developments in my own life, I feel more connected to that character then ever before.

When I first saw the film, I knew right off the bat that I disliked Summer’s character.  I couldn’t exactly pin-point the reason that I disliked her at first, but after many conversations with my friends, I discovered what it was.  I dislike Summer Finn because she toyed with Tom’s heart.  A few of my friends have argued that she wasn’t really that bad because she did warn him that she was not looking for anything serious.  I personally don’t believe that this absolves her in the slightest.  Yes, being honest and upfront is the best thing that you can do, but you must also ensure that your actions back-up that honesty; hers did not.  Tom puts is best when he gets into a fight with Summer and she tries to say that they are just friends; “No.  Don’t pull that with me.  Don’t even try.  This is not how you treat your friend.  Kissing in the copy room, holding hands in IKEA, shower sex!  Come on, friends my balls.”  In fact right after she tells him that she is not looking for a serious relationship, she reaches out and holds his hand while walking through IKEA.  Who does this?!  Who tells someone that they do not want to be in a relationship and then starts acting like they are in a relationship?  At that point in the film, Summer’s so called “warning” had lost all credibility and purpose.

Another argument that my friend Karolina originally made when she saw the film with me was that Tom was to blame as well, because he knew that Summer was not interested, yet continued relations with her anyway.  While I do agree that it was bad judgment on his behalf, I believe that he is afforded a level of reprise because of his weakened resolve from being in love.  When someone is in love, they become intoxicated with the promised of the future.  Just as our judgment is compromised by the intoxication of alcohol and drugs, so is it from love.  That being understood, the moral burden of prudence is then placed firmly upon the person that didn’t want the relationship to begin with.  Seeing as they are the one with the more acute mental clarity, they should be the one expected to make the better decisions.

Thought Tom was severely emotionally hurt by Summer’s actions, he was able to open his eyes and see the situation for what it truly was.  Once this realization was made, he was able to move past Summer and focus his attention on other things in his life.  His ability to finally lose the illusion that Summer’s behavior was acceptable was what eventually set him free.

So I am currently conflicted as to whether I love or hate myself.  I hate that I feel jealousy over things that I have no right to be jealous of.  I hate that I feel rejected over simple things that some don’t consider to have meaning.  I hate that I respond so emotionally to everything without being more rational.

I love that I am so devoted to people.  I will never cheat, or be dishonest about my feelings.  I love that I can read between the lines and will notice more then most.  Little, subtle things that someone does speak volumes to me.  I love that I am alive emotionally.  It is great that I can feel so strongly about things and people.

For those of you playing the home game, all of the above things are conflicting ideas.  I guess I am not sure whether I love or hate myself… I guess it depends on what time of the day it is…

So I am thinking of investing in another tat.  What do you think that I should get?  I cannot get my current Buddha filled because Adam (my best friend that has the same tat) and I have to get them worked on at the same time.  I was thinking some Asian (Japanese) symbols on my inner wrists; what do you think?  Thanks!

If there is such a thing, I think I an experiencing it.  I cannot say that I am depressed because I feel like my life is finally getting back on track.  I do not feel abnormally sad or worthless, but I do feel a tid bit regretful.  Lately, thoughts of the past have been swirling through my mind.  What if I had performed better in High School?  What if I had performed better in Middle School?  Maybe I would have been allowed to stay in wrestling.  Then maybe I would have never gained the weight that I did.  One could argue that if I cared more about school in Middle School, I would not be overweight now.  Maybe if I had been more disciplined during that time of my life, I would not have had to play catch-up at Douglas High and would have had more time for debate.  For all I know that extra time could have made the difference and we would have broken at Nationals.  I learned so very much from my experience with that AMAZING family of debaters, but I feel like I have let so many of them down.  Worst of all, I am not sure I can repair my image with any of them.

I recently spent the evening with someone that I probably shouldn’t have.  Yes alcohol was involved and judgment was compromised… mainly hers…  Afterwords, I discovered that I am not the type of person that she would be proud to show-off and thus her attraction to me ends.  I know that I should not allow this to bother me as it has, but I cannot help but agree with her.  As horrible and seemingly shallow as it is, I would not date me either.  I believe that I would make a great partner and thus deserve someone.  I would be caring and kind.  I would open doors and offer my jacket at the slightest sign of a shiver or goosebump.  However, I do not feel that I should be with someone until I LOOK like I deserve them.

I know what you might be thinking, “If you are unhappy with the way that things are, then change them.”  You’re right, that is what I intend to do.  I have started working out to loose weight, I have just started a great job that will eventually allow me to finish my education, and I am determined to accomplish one major personal objective per year aside from work or school.  Despite this new and fervent resolve, there are times that hearing someone talk about the lack of pride I instill in them hurts me.  I know that they shouldn’t, but the 11 words that were typed felt like daggers of failure through my heart.  Not because I disagree with the person, but because I feel that they are right.  I cannot be mad at someone for saying the exact thing that I would in their situation, however, it doesn’t mean that it hurt any less.  I guess the only think that I can do is take an example from one of Train’s new songs “Words” from their Save Me San Francisco album.  I will leave you with the chorus of the song while I go running…

Words they’ll try to shake you
Don’t let them break you
Or stop your world from turning
When words keep you from feeling good
Use them as fire wood and let them burn

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.”

—Goethe

“Out of all the millions and billions of people on this earth, I can’t believe that there’s not one person that would love you. I wish that very soon, that person gets in a car or on a bus and goes to a place where you’ll be, or if they’re far away, they get on a plane and come find you.”