The Brick Wall

“No one is an island unto themselves.”  This advice has been told to many but listened to by very few.  Everyone likes to believe that they are strong individuals.  Some (like myself) like to believe that we are so strong that we do not need anyone else to be happy.  Up until last night I believed that to have my happiness dependent upon someone else was a sign of weakness.  Well, after all is said and done, I see that it is not a sign of weakness, but instead a sing of being human.  As humans, we are social creatures.  We thrive best in environments where we can interact and react with other people, usually of like minds.  We desire to love and be loved, to hold and be held, and to laugh and be laughed at.  We need other people so we ourselves can be human.  While this might sound like sunshine and rainbows, it does have its dark side.

When ones happiness is dependent on others, they are forced to open themselves up to a flood of emotions.  As many people have experienced, when you allow yourself to fall in love with another, you are talking a chance that you may get hurt.  There is a risk that you could feel some of the worst pain of your life because of that love.  What do you do then?  I personally took the “safe” route, and decided not to let anyone into my heart.  I completely shut down my emotional hub, and spent the past three and a half years in a cocoon of safety.  The problem is that no cocoon of any strength can protect you from the turmoil within.  The feeling of loneliness and disconnectedness eventually overtakes you and you start questioning your decision to recluse.

I recently had a conversation with a good friend of mine that really opened my eyes.  We discovered that we share many of the same problems and questions about life.  We both feel completely disengaged with life.  We discussed how we no longer feel extreme joy in life any longer, however both of us feel less sad then we ever have.  Our minds are constantly trying to decided whether this state of being in an emotional neutral is worth not having extreme depression.  Granted, the clouds are gone, but the world is still shrouded in a shade of pale gray.  While depression no longer keeps us in bed everyday, we cannot seem to find an exciting reason to get out from under the covers.  Most importantly, we feel completely alone.  We see other people within our social circles that have cleared the skies of their minds, but somehow managed to do it with rays of sunshine.  This means that there has to be something wrong with us, right?  How is it that most people find all the joy of the universe in the simple act of waking up, and I can barely get excited enough about life to walk to the park across the street?  I feel like I should feel broken if I could feel anything at all…