Mr. Lonely Hearts

Ever since I was a kid, I have had a passion for romantic love.  I was enamored with the ideas set forth in all of the classic disney movies portraying boy meeting girl and living happily-ever-after.  Recently I thought I was depressed because of yet another round of unrequited love.  I have danced to that song before, and I know the steps well.  I was feeling all of the usual emotions including the green headed monster of jealousy.  I thought that I was jealous of the men for which ‘she’ cared and pined over.  That made perfect sense to me.  Why shouldn’t I resent the guys that are given the most valued gift of her affection?  Is it wrong of me to think of them as unworthy?  No, no it would not be wrong for me to feel that… if that were actually the case.  Alas, I have discovered the real root of my sorrow and depression.  It is simple loneliness.  I have been unusually down because I am tired of being one half of a pair.  What of the jealously, you may ask?  Well… that is real, but it’s just not directed at the yahoos for which she is drawn.  It is directed at anyone that is desired by another.  When I see two lovers walking hand-in-hand through the mall, I get the feeling.  When I hear about friends meeting up with a potential mate for a night of flirting, I get the feeling.  Hell, when I hear that someone got drunk and had a one night stand, I get the feeling.  These feelings of worthlessness, rage, depression, hatred, solitude, and lament all culminate into a void within my chest.  The feeling reminds me of that imploding soda-can science project.  I feel that if I do not get my mind off of it, my chest will implode and create a black hole in the universe.  Trust me, no one wants that.

So I start to search for solutions.  I know that I am wired to constantly think of myself as one half of a greater whole.  I will never escape this as it is who I am; Gnothi Seauton.  So the only logical solution is to convince myself that the other half of said pair is still out there waiting for chance to bring us together.  While I love the idea of that, there is part of me that thinks it is total bollocks.  I guess the best that I can hope for is to wait out these storms of emotion and enjoy what I can when there are no clouds.  Eventually, the clouds will part for good, and I will be with someone that deserves me.