Constructive self loathing?

If there is such a thing, I think I an experiencing it.  I cannot say that I am depressed because I feel like my life is finally getting back on track.  I do not feel abnormally sad or worthless, but I do feel a tid bit regretful.  Lately, thoughts of the past have been swirling through my mind.  What if I had performed better in High School?  What if I had performed better in Middle School?  Maybe I would have been allowed to stay in wrestling.  Then maybe I would have never gained the weight that I did.  One could argue that if I cared more about school in Middle School, I would not be overweight now.  Maybe if I had been more disciplined during that time of my life, I would not have had to play catch-up at Douglas High and would have had more time for debate.  For all I know that extra time could have made the difference and we would have broken at Nationals.  I learned so very much from my experience with that AMAZING family of debaters, but I feel like I have let so many of them down.  Worst of all, I am not sure I can repair my image with any of them.

I recently spent the evening with someone that I probably shouldn’t have.  Yes alcohol was involved and judgment was compromised… mainly hers…  Afterwords, I discovered that I am not the type of person that she would be proud to show-off and thus her attraction to me ends.  I know that I should not allow this to bother me as it has, but I cannot help but agree with her.  As horrible and seemingly shallow as it is, I would not date me either.  I believe that I would make a great partner and thus deserve someone.  I would be caring and kind.  I would open doors and offer my jacket at the slightest sign of a shiver or goosebump.  However, I do not feel that I should be with someone until I LOOK like I deserve them.

I know what you might be thinking, “If you are unhappy with the way that things are, then change them.”  You’re right, that is what I intend to do.  I have started working out to loose weight, I have just started a great job that will eventually allow me to finish my education, and I am determined to accomplish one major personal objective per year aside from work or school.  Despite this new and fervent resolve, there are times that hearing someone talk about the lack of pride I instill in them hurts me.  I know that they shouldn’t, but the 11 words that were typed felt like daggers of failure through my heart.  Not because I disagree with the person, but because I feel that they are right.  I cannot be mad at someone for saying the exact thing that I would in their situation, however, it doesn’t mean that it hurt any less.  I guess the only think that I can do is take an example from one of Train’s new songs “Words” from their Save Me San Francisco album.  I will leave you with the chorus of the song while I go running…

Words they’ll try to shake you
Don’t let them break you
Or stop your world from turning
When words keep you from feeling good
Use them as fire wood and let them burn