Companionship

This word has developed an entirely new meaning for me recently.  When I was younger I wanted sex.  I just wanted to hump like a damn rabbit.  Then, as I got older, I yearned for the ever elusive, yet oh-so generic, ‘love.’  I wanted a happy ending just like I had seen in the movies.  However, as someone grows emotionally, they learn that neither of these things are truly what they want.

I have grown to truly want a companion.

I want someone that will share a bed with me each night.  I want the security of knowing that this person will always be there for me through all stages of life.  I want someone that I do not simply wave goodbye to at the end of the night, but that I hold until we both fall asleep.

I thought that my friends might be able to fill this empty void in my life, but it is never the case.  Even after an extremely fun and enjoyable day, I am still forced with the reality that I have to separate myself from them so they can continue to live their independent lives.  This is especially difficult seeing as the majority of my friends are couples.  At times it feels like I am trying to mask my loneliness by surrounding myself with people that are just the opposite.

Part of me attributes this to my ‘mimicking ability.’  My entire life, I have had this uncanny ability to mimic my environment.  If I am surrounded by intelligent, driven individuals, I will act and present myself as a like person.  If I am socializing with worry-free stoners, I will become just short of a Jamaican to fit in.  I will alter my speech, dress, mannerisms, and general mood to achieve an accurate and accepted image.

I guess my logic is as follows: If I surround myself with people that are not lonely, then I will not be lonely as I will adopt their attitudes.  Unfortunately this plan has failed.  All that I have achieved by surrounding myself with happy, well-adjusted couples is the blazingly obvious realization that I am completely alone.

Why is it so hard to find a quality, attractive (by my standards), companion?